New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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