Where did you get a picture of my penis
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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