I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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