I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
