So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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