I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Randomize
