i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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