Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
