totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
