I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
