I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
