woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
