I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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