It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
my liver is dry heaving
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
