i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
