I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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