Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
