he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
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she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
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I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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