he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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