the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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