I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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