listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
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