My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
