Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
