Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
