There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
