On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Randomize
