The best revenge is premature balding
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
