Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
