be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
