i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
