i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
