So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
