I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
