i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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