i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
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