Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Randomize
