I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
