I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I'm bleeding and have questions
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
