My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
