I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
