Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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