My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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