I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Still dying that you shit outside
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
