there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
