My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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