i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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