her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
He did a backflip because drugs
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
