Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
