i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
