: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Randomize
