How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
