Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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