she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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