I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
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