i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
