is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
