a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
