you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
