Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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