I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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