so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
