You smell like stripper and shame
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I am mentally ready for anal.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
