I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
