Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize
